“My baby won’t stop crying!” Here’s the first thing you need to do."
There is the ‘first thing’ and then there are the following 4 steps just as equally needed. Read on to learn about both.
One of the most universal distressing experiences every parent goes through in those first few weeks is trying to comfort a baby who just doesn’t stop crying.
You try everything that normally works and you offer food again and again just in case they have changed their mind and are now ready to calm with the help of a breast (or bottle). But tonight, its just not working. They are not having a bar of it. And you can feel yourself becoming unsettled, you can feel the anxiety or the overwhelm (or both) rising and you’re wondering to yourself how you are going to get this child to calm.
Anxious thoughts might have started to run non-stop thought your mind. This a normal and hardwired biological response to our own baby’s crying but, for many parents, the combination of sleep deprivation and concern about their unsettled baby becomes simply overwhelming. Your mind starts to think thoughts like “I’m failing at this parenting thing” or “I’m doing a shocking job” or perhaps you have read some books about what babies are supposed to do and now your mind is responding by thinking “My baby isn’t getting enough sleep and this is going to harm us both”. Psychologists call this ‘negative self-talk’.
So although this is an incredibly normal situation, and a normal reaction, and I can assure you that you are not the first (and your won’t be the last) to feel all sorts of uncomfortable emotions in response to you baby’s prolonged crying session.
BUT There are definitely some things that you can do to help yourself cope in this incredibly stressful situation.
Hi, I’m Rachael. I have spent much of my life studying psychology, social work, babies, the perinatal period and have spent years supporting parents through this significant life transition. I am also a mum myself and have been exactly where you are today. That’s why I know I can’t give you all the answers in a single blog post, but I do hope I can help set you on the right path to finding you some solutions that actually work.
But back to the reason you’re here.
That first thing, that vital first step every parent needs to take when they are in the midst of trying to calm a baby who just won’t stop crying is:
Take a big, deep, slow breath.
It sounds too simple, but it does work and its super important. I need you to do this for many reasons, all of which can be explained in science and I’m sure I’ll write about in another blog post later and connect back to here. But a quick explanation is:
A big, slow and deliberate breath is what is needed to help your busy, overwhelmed brain take a short little break, long enough to help you get control and take back control of yourself. Deep breathing is a powerful way to turn down the sympathetic nervous system and to ground ourselves in our bodies.
The control you gain hopefully lasts long enough so you can follow the rest of the steps in this advice piece.
Step 1: Acknowledge the thoughts and feelings running through your mind.
And remind yourself that they are just that – thoughts. And thoughts are not facts.
Take a mental step back and observe the thoughts and tales that enter your mind. Rather then only experiencing, take a moment to become aware and name the feelings, impulses and sensations. I promise that this does not give them more power over you. It does quite the opposite in fact – you get more power over them!
Try and do this without panicking about the thoughts, do it without trying to push them away or giving them labels that make you feel like the worst parent on the face of the earth (because trust me, you’re not)
Step 2: Create some distance between those unhelpful thoughts and feelings.
It is not enough to just be aware of our thoughts and feelings. We must also know how to not let them control us. We need to create some distance. Dr Pamela Douglas suggests that parents can try to imagine the thoughts like a radio playing in the background of our heads or like traffic passing by outside. They are there but don’t need to be given the front seat. Don’t treat them like facts, don’t hyper focus on them and go into problem solving mode right away. Take a moment to be reflective and breath. This could look like “ oh, I’m noticing that I’m having a thought that I am a horrible mother because I cant help my child stop crying right now”. You don’t need to tell yourself off for having this thought, its quite normal actually to have this thought. But you don’t have to believe it, because if this was true we would all be horrible mothers. But in reality, horrible mothers are the ones who are not trying to calm them baby but are instead leaving them at home alone while they go out drinking all night and forget that they have a baby.
Step 3: Expand your focus
If you need to take another big breath give yourself permission. It can help you with this next step.
An effective means of creating more distance from your negative thoughts is to broaden your awareness by focusing on all the other aspects of the present moment. Take a break from struggling and observe how your feelings and ideas shift. Open yourself up to pleasant sensations such as the soft grass under your feet, the taste of some chocolate on your tongue, the feel of your pets soft ears under your petting hand. What are 5 things you can see around you? 5 things you can hear ( other then the crying). You can learn more about this skill in grounded mindfulness and there is a variety of free and low cost apps, you-tube listing and Spotify tracks that can help lead you through this activity.
Step 4: Talk to yourself like you would your best friend.
I know that this does not come naturally to many people and it can feel odd at first, but learn to exercise your ‘empathy muscle’ when talking to yourself. This does not mean inner berates for having those scary or negative thoughts in the first place. It does not mean trying to push them down or aside and pretend that they didn’t happen. It means go through the first couple of steps above and then show yourself some compassion. What you are going through is hard. You are finding it hard because it is hard, not because you are not equipped and not because you’re failing.
While trying to stay clear or toxic positivity, what are some things you would tell your best friend if they were in a similar position?
In short, while you’re in the thick of it as your infant cries, undertake mindfulness - be aware of your thoughts and emotions while you do what you can for your baby, understanding that this is not a disaster. Softly direct your attention back to the present moment, again and again. Spread your awareness from your agonizing thoughts and your baby's suffering to observe the environment around you. Notice your thoughts and emotions as you wait and embrace, wait and embrace, enabling a profound form of compassion for yourself.
And also know, that the above steps and advice to designed to help you get through it when you’re in ‘the thick of it’. Its not the ‘be all’ and complete solution. There are also many other pieces of the puzzle to helping parents cope with the crying which begin before the crying starts and after the crying session has ended. There are also many pieces of the puzzle to help parents figure out ways to reduce the crying and find out what is going on for your new little human ( this is something we specialise in btw)
If you feel like your anxiety or depression is becoming too much for you, don't hesitate to reach out to your GP, helplines like Beyond Blue, ForWhen or PANDA. Be intentional about expanding your support team and think about the possible benefit of a person trained in supporting mental health, like a professional from our team at Melbourne Postpartum Services.
Not from Australia? There are numerous helpful resources available in most communities and online, so please don't try to manage it by yourself.
Other blogs you might find helpful:
Stop the Excessive Crying by Learning How to Meet Your Baby’s Sensory Needs
And
The ‘low down’ on asking for and receiving help - WITHOUT feeling ‘weird’ about it