Is Your Heart Prepared to Meet Your Baby? 4 Common Things That Get In The Way (And What To Do About Them)
It is said that it not just your body gestating that growing life in your womb, but your mind is also ‘gestating’ a baby. You are bringing your baby to life in your mind when you think about them and imagine the person that they will be. I remember being in this place like it was yesterday.
It completely normal and healthy to sit and rub your belly all the while musing on the growing life within. Its normal to think forward and wonder who this little baby is, what will they be like?
Its healthy because this is our heart preparing to expand, your attachment priming to grow.
But what happens when this normal and healthy musing turns into something more?
What happens if you can’t focus or picture who it is that is growing within because there is simple no space in your mind to do so?
Although there are many different struggles and anxieties that can affect a person’s heart and preparedness, today I’m going to touch on the few that I have seen frequently in my work with parents and also experienced in my personal life. I also hope to give you a few pieces of advice to help get you back on track.
1. You are worried about how you will cope with the demands of caring for a newborn
In a way it is good that you are worry somewhat about this – as the worry will hopefully propel you into action of preparing appropriately. But there is only so much you can prep for and then you need to work on your inner self.
This is also a reasonable worry because yes, caring for a newborn can be tough. So my biggest piece of advice is: It’s important that you don’t try and do it alone. Create a detailed postpartum plan. Having realistic expectations, setting up support networks (ideally ahead of time) and having some self-compassion can go a long way here. (Our free tip sheet is also handy in this scenario).
Start identifying things that can bring you joy and real inner rest (not just a moment of disconnect from discomfort like scrolling on Facebook) and communicate with your care team how vital it is that you are able to have some of these built into every day life ( I’m not talking about leaving the house to have a pamper at the local salon).
If you want to keep ‘giving out’ then you need to be continually ‘refilled’. For almost the entirety of history, until just a couple of generations ago, a woman would never have planned to try and ‘go at it alone’ during the early postpartum period. Most countries and cultures worldwide universally accept that this life transition and period of life is done with support and community. So you should too.
2. You don’t feel ready to be someone’s mum/dad
Although there are many expectant parents who have moments of feeling like this, not feeling ready can defiantly be a bigger for some mums more then others. And it’s often not talked about because of the shame and stigma. BUT please do find someone safe to talk about this with as the sure way to continue not feeling ready is to keep these thoughts locked up inside and to ruminate of them all by yourself. You may be fearing that talking about them will give these feelings more power, but I can tell you that for many people the opposite is true. If these thoughts and beliefs are allowed to run wild and grown bigger and bigger with your expanding belly ( because this is what happens why you keep them inside to yourself), there in a significantly increased likelihood that you could experience some post-birth mental health and bonding struggles. And I don’t want this for you.
I also encourage you to take some time to slow down and do some inner reflection before baby comes. For some people they don’t feel ready because they have such a hectic and overfilled schedule with no room to breath let alone prepare for their newest family member. It’s not indulgent to slow down and have some ‘me’ time before birth. Its simply necessary.
But if the thought of being alone with your thoughts and not having a busy day to distract you makes you feel uncomfortable, I think there might be more going on here then you’re allowing yourself to admit (and it would another good reason to seek some trusted help).
I can’t promise that these feelings will be completely resolved if you do start to talk about them, but I can assure you that if you do get the help of someone trustworthy and knowledgeable, they will help share the burden and give you some more detailed steps on how to get through this.
3. You are too busy worrying about birth.
Yes birth is a big deal, and there is multiple real reasons why many people spend a lot of time preparing for it. We have all heard of the horror birth stories. However, I encourage you to take some time and talk to the parents on the other side of birth, the ones with their babies or toddlers and ask them about what they wish they had planned for more – birth or life after birth?
I remember being very worried about birth – I do not like pain! I had a friend give me some great advice which I now give to you:
When you are pregnant many people are eager to share their birth stories with you. DO NOT let them. I am giving you permission to ask them before they proceed if this is a positive birth story or if its not. If its positive you can then consider if you will allow them to share, and if its not, explain that you have a strong boundary in place (for your own health) and you will no longer be listening to the ‘not so positive’ birth stories until after you have given birth. No ifs and buts. If they are not accepting of this boundary (you are more then allowed to have) that is because of inner work that they need to do. They might very well need to share their story for their own healing and processing. You are not that place at the moment though.
The next step is to seek out the positive birth stories – because I promise that they do exist. Not the ones where people say that they experienced no trauma, so it was ok. I’m talking about the stories which make people want to give birth time and time again, about the stories of people being flooded with natural oxytocin and actually enjoying birth.
Also, please know you are also allowed to consider birth plans different from your friends and family. For example, they might have gone ‘all natural’ and refused every type of pain relief. They may have wanted a home birth in a pool. You are allowed to put it on your birth plan that you would like an epidural and other types of pain reliefs. It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you realistic and its giving yourself peace.
4. You are imagining all the things that could go wrong.
I have heard some people say “to be a mother is to feel anxiety”, and although you may still be pregnant, you are already a mother. And unfortunately, statistics show that many many mothers have already experienced tragic loss and ‘things going wrong’ before their first live birth. It’s completely understandable that you are worried and possibly very anxious.
But just because it’s understandable or a normal doesn’t mean that there isn’t something you can do to support yourself and help prepare your heart for your newest family member. You don’t have to put up with anxiety, especially if its interfering with your life and your heart prepping. If your anxiety is getting to this level, please reach out to a trusted professional.
Some people find it hard to lean into the joy, celebrate and connect with growing life inside them because the truth is that doing so actually require a person to be vulnerable. And being vulnerable is hard and uncomfortable.
So instead, their minds race and imagine the very things that they are afraid of, bringing with it a false sense of control. But research shows us that even if your worst imaginings actually happened, you are not any more equipped or able to deal with those tragedies. And in the meantime you have been robbed of truly engaging with and enjoying some of life’s most precious moments.
In this instance I encourage parents to learn and start practicing the ultra-important life skill of ‘gratitude’. Because this struggle - the feelings of foreboding joy and visualising disaster in moments of what should be great happiness - is not going to go away after birth and very will likely follow you into parenthood if you let it. This topic deserves its own post but please don’t hesitate to do some of your own research. I recommend starting with Brene Brown 😊
There is practical prepping and there is heart prepping when you are pregnant.
It’s all to easy to get caught up with the list of things to buy, a freezer to fill and a nursery to set up. But please, from one mother to another, take a moment to do a stocktake on your heart. Spend some quite time in reflection and ask yourself if you are struggling with any of the above and decide on those first few steps which will help you and your family do the emotional work needed to prepare and expand your hearts. It’s important that we are not only physically ready to receive our newest family members, but also have done at least some of the work in our hearts.
If, after reading this you realise you would like some support in this area, one of our life passions at Melbourne Postpartum Services is to help parents truly prepare for their postpartum. We go beyond the checklists and one-pager fill in sheets that you can easily find all over google. You can start by requesting our free tip-sheet here, or, check out availability in attending one of our FREE community workshops – “Preparing to THRIVE With Your Newborn: The Essentials of Postpartum Planning.” Here